What Barb Elgin Thinks About Tiger's apology

I want to preface this post by noting I have NOT seen Tiger’s entire speech.  I’ve only seen clips (and listened to other’s opinions about this event).

I was reading a colleague’s blog this morning.  On it, readers shared their thoughts on Tiger’s apology.  I shared mine.  I thought I’d repeat my thoughts here.  So, without taking more time to watch his talk closely and hone my opinion further, here are my reactions:

As far as reactions to Tiger’s apology, I think we have to consider WHO is doing the commenting.  Every single one of us is influenced by our history regarding Tiger, sports and relationships.  We view Tiger’s situation through our own unique ‘lenses’.  For example, take me.  As someone who has seen the many destructive downsides of infidelity, in my own life and, particularly as I’ve witnessed it in the lives of my clients, I approach infidelity with a particular bias.

Are people not naturally monogamous? Who knows.  I think we can find the answers we are looking for, in the research, depending on what each one of us wants to find.  But I would think many of us agree that humans are more than just physical beings, subject to the whims of impulse.  That is, if we are aware, able and willing to choose to be concerned about our committed partner’s feelings (or our commitment in general), and if we are mature, i.e.: able to see ahead as to the possible ramifications of our behaviors, we would probably agree infidelity isn’t usually such a smart move.

However, issues like awareness, ability and willingness are key.

If Tiger’s ‘apology’ is coming from a ‘heart felt’, genuine part of himself, perhaps it’s true that his infidelity was mostly about entitlement.  I suspect his infidelity is a combination of genetic influences – his dad apparently strayed in his marriage more than once – AND immaturity – AND the fact he had become too too famous and too rich – it all went to his head.  He basically said that yesterday.

Tiger admits he rationalized his behavior by saying he ‘deserved it because he’d worked so hard’.  Doesn’t this sound like shades of an addict who believes he can drink on the weekend because he put in so many hours at the office?

So, to me it appears Tiger had lost ‘conscious’ control of his life.  He was not living from the more evolved part of his brain.  He was thinking (and acting) from a place in his brain that was more about power, excitement, domination, etc.  To simplify, he lost his mental balance.  He wasn’t balancing his head and his heart.

Also, in some cultures and families, infidelity is more common than others.  If some behavior is a cultural norm, people are more likely to engage in it.  I don’t know about Tiger’s family, friends and cultural history, but this must be taken into account.

Yes, the truth is thus: probably most marriages have issues that could lead to affairs, if at least one of the partners is not aware/conscious, open and honest enough to do something about their feelings BEFORE they take actions to betray their partner.

It can also go the other way:  the partner who suspects their partner is at risk for straying can do certain things to try and prevent infidelity from happening.  A great book on this topic I recently listened to was written by a therapist by the name of Gary Neuman called:

The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It

While this book was written for heterosexual couples, and focused on the ‘transgressions’ of straight men, I think most of the suggestions made can be applied to gay and lesbian couples and women who stray.

Either way, for all of us, perhaps infidelity could be acknowledged as a possibility more than we like to admit. Perhaps more of us would prevent infidelity if we were willing to take this ‘cards on the table’ approach (instead of sticking our heads in the sand). Juicy topic for a future post!?!

Additionally, the issue of age and parenting must be considered.  One of the times couples are most vulnerable to affairs are in the first few years after they first become parents.  Was this an issue for Tiger and Elin?

Now, as far as the ‘where do you draw the line’ between the public and private?  That’s a hard one too.  Part of me says Tiger doesn’t need to talk about his personal life with anyone.  But then, as Keith Olbermann from MSNBC said last night – something to the effect perhaps Tiger is somewhat responsible to the public, given he is such a role model and because he earns money based on the image he was projecting – if that is so, I think Tiger is doing a good job of balancing giving the public more information, while at the same time drawing a strong line. Yes, we are more voyeuristic than ever as a culture (we have the internet and the media and, mostly, technology, to thank for that!), but this type of voyeurism is not all ill intended – it’s natural to be curious and, perhaps we can learn from Tiger’s situation.

I also disagree with Rachel Maddow who last night stated she thought Tiger’s personal life was none of our business.  We strive to be a more evolved/more conscious culture. But I think it is in the ‘getting there’ that we sometimes throw out the baby with the bath water.

After all, in the ‘old days’, infidelity was grounds for divorce, a legal proceeding/consequence. With today’s ‘no fault’ divorce laws, there is a fraying of the higher ideal of commitment. What then is more evolved? I say yes, throw out some of the more oppressive aspects of marriage but keep the wisdom.

Being accountable to those we’ve pledged accountability to is something humans have created to establish some degree of order in our society (yes I say that somewhat tongue-in-cheek). Rules of engagement do work if taken to heart.  To me that is the bottom line for Tiger: what part did his heart – that part of him that cherished his relationship – play in his infidelity? That’s where he went astray.

I also have to echo Dr. Drew Pinski’s concerns about Tiger’s treatment.  He’s wondered if Tiger is able to control his treatment process too much, because of who he is. Time will tell, I guess.

What is entitlement about? Isn’t it about an ‘abuse’ of power?  Or, is some level of entitlement healthy?  I am reminded about my recent read of Malcolm Gladwell’s book ‘Outliers’.

Gladwell made some fascinating comments about his review of the research and how he learned children raised to have a sense of entitlement tend to be more successful in their life and their careers. 

So again, as in most things in this life, balance is key. Healthy entitlement, as Gladwell noted, has to do with speaking up for yourself when necessary. A healthy ‘challenging’ of authority such as when we go to the doctor. Unhealthy entitlement has to do with being unable, in my mind, to share power. It has to do with having to be ‘on top of’ or ‘over’ someone or something. Interesting, no!?!

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Feel free to click on the ‘comments’ link and post!

Lastly, I found it interesting that Tiger’s wife, Elin, was noticeably absent during Tiger’s public apology.  What sign is Elin giving us by not being there?  Was she invited to attend?  I would assume so, but do we know?  I’m sure many are having a field day evaluating why she didn’t attend.

Perhaps it’s a good thing for Tiger’s recovery that she wasn’t there.  Perhaps Tiger’s therapist (or Elin’s) recommended it.  After all, would ’standing by her man’ during such an event give Tiger the wrong message?  Hmmmm….